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satanicWorshiper
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☆Hallowed Be Thy Name☆


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jokes from me satanicWorshiper Mar 23rd, 08, 10:24 AM #1

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.


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satanicWorshiper
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Deep Thoughts about Women satanicWorshiper Mar 23rd, 08, 10:27 AM #2
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologises for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
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satanicWorshiper
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attractive woman..!!!! satanicWorshiper Mar 23rd, 08, 10:36 AM #3
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."
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satanicWorshiper
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Hi-Tech Watch satanicWorshiper Mar 23rd, 08, 10:49 AM #4
A man is at Train Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies "Sure, which country?"

The fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive Television channels and display them on its miniature active colour pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for 900, if you want it, it's yours."

The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough to hand over a check for 900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, "And here are the batteries."
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reddevil0728
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reddevil0728 Mar 23rd, 08, 10:53 AM #5
I will not procrastinate, I will start tomorrow!

Whatever floats your boat... It takes two hands to clap.
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reddevil0728
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reddevil0728 Mar 23rd, 08, 10:54 AM #6
I will not procrastinate, I will start tomorrow!

Whatever floats your boat... It takes two hands to clap.
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satanicWorshiper
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Only I Can Have This satanicWorshiper Mar 23rd, 08, 10:57 AM #7
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl.

He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.

The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah".

The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".

The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!"

She promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims
"My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want! "
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bliondi
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あいあい傘


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bliondi Mar 23rd, 08, 11:09 AM #8
HAHAHAHAHAHA good one
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bigfoot Like a sir


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bigfoot Mar 23rd, 08, 11:31 AM #9
hahahahaha
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Capashen Registered User


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Capashen Mar 23rd, 08, 11:47 AM #10
roflmao.
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Hurricaneboi
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poison strong wallet weak


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Hurricaneboi Mar 23rd, 08, 11:53 AM #11
hahahaha!
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Hurricaneboi
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Hurricaneboi Mar 23rd, 08, 11:54 AM #12
hahahah!
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Hurricaneboi
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Hurricaneboi Mar 23rd, 08, 11:56 AM #13
hahahaha! OWNED!
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Hurricaneboi
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Hurricaneboi Mar 23rd, 08, 11:56 AM #14
saw before liao
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blackevil_2000
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blackevil_2000 Mar 23rd, 08, 12:06 PM #15
Lol Hahahahahha!
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